How To Make Friends In NYC: A Guide For (Lonely) Locals And Travelers

New York City skyline as seen from Roosevelt Island

Ah, New York City. The city that never sleeps! The city where dreams are made! The city in which you can be surrounded by hundreds of people in any given moment, but everyone is walking fast with their noses in their phones and you feel lonely as hell. Oh wait, aren’t we supposed to be discussing how magical NYC is?

I grew up just north of NYC, but it wasn’t until I moved back to New York in the spring of 2017 that I got my first real taste of life in the big city. And let me tell you, it was not an easy transition. Especially after living in Baltimore, a much smaller, slower paced city, I found New York to be totally overwhelming. I disliked the constant honking of horns, the piles of garbage, and the aggression that seemed to emanate from so much of the city. I was also lonely and I found it difficult to meet people and make friends. There is a certain irony to being constantly surrounded by people yet very lonely, but I feel like that’s the epitome of New York. There are so many people everywhere, but it’s uncommon to interact with strangers who you bump into while walking around, taking the subway, or while waiting in line for your coffee.

Now after a year of living here, I have found my way in NYC… I think! But I understand that New York is a challenging place to live and meet people, and it takes time to adjust to being here. I’ve picked up a few tips and tricks during the past year about how to make friends in New York, all of which I share here. Also, I know that among the throngs of people, it can be hard to remember that lots of us are lonely or feel lost. So to whoever is reading this, I hope that it provides some relief and solidarity, as well as some actionable tips for finding your people here in NYC.

Without further ado, here is your guide for how to make friends in NYC. I hope you enjoy and find it useful!

Clouds over Manhattan as seen from Greenpoint, Brooklyn

Reach out to everyone you know (in NYC and beyond)

You probably know someone living in New York. A distant relative, an old friend, the person who sat behind you in math class when you were 16, some New Yorker who you met in a bar once who pops up in your newsfeed every now and again… Might as well put those Facebook connections to good use. Reach out to any contacts that you have in NYC, even if the last time you spoke actually was during math class when you were 16. It can be as simple as a “hey, how’s it going? I know we haven’t spoken since high school, but I’m new to New York/visiting New York and would love to get together for coffee!” Utilizing these existing connections can help you strengthen the relationships that already exist in your life, or could allow you to form a new friendship with an acquaintance.

Don’t know anyone in New York? No worries. Because you know someone who knows someone in New York. Ask around, and if your friends or family members have contacts in New York, see if they can put you in touch. You never know what could come out of it.

Oasis of cherry blossoms at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Sign up for all the meetups

If you’re not on meetup.com, then get on it now! (I mean, after you finish reading this blog post, of course…) Meetup is a social networking site that allows you to search for and attend events based on your interests. Like to knit? Go to a knitting meetup. Interested in going to a museum? Try a museum group. You get the idea. No matter what your interest is, there is a meetup for it, I assure you. Meetup is very active in NYC, generally with a hundred events or so per day. That’s a lot of social interaction. Meetup is free to join, though the events themselves may or may not have a cover charge (this is dependent on how each organizer runs their meetup). Try it out – even if you never go back to the same meetup, it’s valuable to get out of the house and into a space with new people.

For travelers looking to make friends in NYC, meetups and activities are a great way to form connections during your travels, especially with locals. I’ve used meetup while traveling throughout the U.S., and it always exposes me to people and events that I wouldn’t have otherwise met or known about.

Otherwise, there’s always the resource of google to find events and activities. I’ve found plenty of cool events by simply googling “free things to do today in NYC” or the like and seeing what comes up. Also, have you thought about social dancing as a way to meet people in NYC? I highly recommend it and it’s how I’ve made lots of friends in New York and beyond (and I wrote this nifty guide for where to dance bachata in NYC, so here’s one more resource for your NYC friend-making!). Also, be sure to check out the NYC Parks events calendar for free and low cost events in, you guessed it, NYC’s parks. Time Out New York also lists lots of events and things to do around the city.

View of the West Village as seen from the roof of the Whitney Museum in Manhattan

Try couchsurfing

I’ve always been a fan of couchsurfing, and I’ve talked it up at a few points on this blog. Couchsurfing, for those who don’t know, is a social network for travelers. It’s based on the idea of cultural exchange and free homesharing, though there are so many ways to utilize couchsurfing without participating in the homesharing aspect at all. Couchsurfing is free to join, and once you make an account you can attend meetups, participate in online discussions, and use the “hangouts” feature on the couchsurfing app. I like couchsurfing because it promotes the idea of giving for the sake of giving, and forming friendships with folks from all around the world.

New York has a fairly active couchsurfing community, with regular meetups about 2 or 3 times per week (though many one-time meetups also occur throughout the week). NYC couchsurfing meetups usually take place in bars, though during the summer there are also lots of picnics, barbecues, and other outdoor events. Being a community centered around travel, travelers are always welcome at couchsurfing events.

Finally, if you’re looking for a friend in NYC right now, get on the couchsurfing app and use the hangouts function. Of all the tips on this page, I think this one is the most useful for travelers, though as an NYC local I also use the hangouts function. Hangouts lets you set what you want to do (“go for a walk”, “eat dim sum”, etc.) and anyone who is interested in joining your activity can request to join. Or you could see that Jamie wants to get dinner in the Lower East Side, and request to go have dinner with Jamie… you get the idea. It’s a way of forming a fast connection and doing an activity together. There is no limit to the number of people who can join a hangout group, so it could be just you and one other person, or it could be a whole group of people. There’s usually a good mix of both locals and travelers who use the feature, so you can also use it as a way to form connections with New Yorkers (or folks from around the world!).

It was through a couchsurfing connection that I got invited to see the Battery Park Dance Festival last summer – not too shabby to spend an evening in good company, watching dancing and the sunset!

Repetition is your friend

There is a myth that it’s only “easy” to make friends when you’re in school, and that once you’re out of school and in the real world, friend-making becomes a huge challenge. Let me reiterate: this is a myth. But the reason why this idea persists is because once we’re out of school, the ease of meeting people and then consistently seeing them does decrease. Between work, family commitments, travel, and everything else that goes on in our lives, it’s easy to let those random connections slip to the wayside.

But an important part of forming long term friendships is repetition: find an activity that you like, and keep going to it. You’ll start to see some of the same faces, and people will start to recognize you. You’ll begin to build community. Whether it’s a book club that you go to once a month, a volunteer activity that you do every Tuesday, or a dance social that occurs every other weekend, pick something and lather-rinse-repeat. Those NYC friendships will form over time, trust me.

This also applies to travelers looking to make friends in NYC. Only in New York for one week and looking to form lasting friendships? If you feel a connection with someone, see if they’re available to meet up again throughout the week. See if they would like to go with you to visit a tourist site around the city, or join them at their favorite NYC restaurant. Even if you’re only in New York for a short time frame, lasting friendships can form.

Say yes to everything

Simple as it sounds. If someone invites you to do something, then accept. Even if it’s something that you’re not sure is totally up your alley… try it! Never gone bachata dancing before? Go. Got an invite to brunch across the city? That’s what the subway is for – go! Saying yes gets you out of the house and trying new things. It’s a great way to widen your net and meet more people. You never know what kinds of friendships or other connections can form after a spontaneous day or night out, so start by saying yes. Saying yes applies to both locals and travelers looking to make friends in NYC, and trust me, it helps!

View of the Queensboro Bridge, Roosevelt Island, and Long Island City in the distance, seen from the Roosevelt Island Tram

Try online dating

Okay, I’m going to recommend this one with a grain of salt, because online dating can be a bit of a beast and not everyone likes it. But, it can also be a great way to get to know lots of different people and get out around NYC. There are so many different dating apps (OkCupid, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, Bumble, to name just a few), and it can be a quick way to meet people. And who knows, maybe you could meet your life partner(s)! Or not, but you never know what can happen. Just be mindful of mental health while online dating – it can be a bit exhausting at times, and if it feels more frustrating than beneficial that’s generally a sign that it’s time to take a break.

This tip applies to both locals and travelers. Online dating seems to be increasingly popular with travelers as a way to meet people in a new city or country. Similar to the couchsurfing hangouts tip above, online dating can be an easy way to form a quick connection… and you never know where it could lead!

Online dating inspiration? Street art seen in Midtown East

Actually follow up with people

So you’ve gotten out of your house or accommodation, gone to meetups, tried couchsurfing hangouts, met a cool person or two on Tinder, etc… and now you’ve got all these new names in your phone. Want those names to turn into the names of friends? Actually text them. Ask them to pizza. Invite them to the art museum you’re visiting on Thursday. Suggest a jaunt around the farmers’ market. Do not wait for them to reach out to you – sometimes you need to be the one to put yourself out there. Locals and travelers alike in NYC can always follow up. Maybe it goes somewhere, maybe it doesn’t, but at least you tried.

Do things alone with pride

And finally… perhaps the most important item on this list. Why wait around for other people when you can get out on your own, right now? Yes, making friends in NYC is the goal, but in the meantime enjoy the time to explore whatever activities and interests you want by yourself. Like movies? Go see a movie alone (which means more popcorn for you and nobody to complain about your choice of genre). Stumbled across an interesting speaker or talk? Go solo. Always wanted to take the Staten Island ferry? Get on that ferry!

So often this society judges softness and any expression of “weakness”, such as sadness or loneliness. But loneliness, while painful and trying, is also a universal human experience that we all feel. There is even power to admitting loneliness, especially in a society that shames us for it. I am not shy about talking about loneliness that I’ve felt, both while stationary and as a traveler out in the world. If you feel lonely right now, I want you to know that I see you and your pain is valid. But even while navigating these challenging feelings, you can still move forward by doing the things that you want to be doing, and feeling (or faking) the confidence to do it alone. It may be scary and nerve-wracking, yes, but it’s also exciting and empowering and a major part of self-care in these challenging moments.

Hopefully this guide has been helpful in unraveling some of the mysteries of how to make friends in NYC, and letting you know that you are not alone. I wish you the best of luck, whether you’re in NYC for just a few days or for many years. Among the crowds and the tall buildings jutting out around the city, I’m confident that you’ll find your place and your people here too.

How do you feel about NYC – love it or hate it or something in between? Do you have any other tips for how to make friends in NYC? How do you practice self-care when you’re feeling lonely? What’s your favorite solo activity to do in NYC? Let me know in the comments below!

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